Fake News Vol. 3

My apologies – this one’s a little out of date.


Miami Heat Can’t Remember Who They Just Eliminated From NBA Playoffs

MIAMI, FLORIDA, In interviews following their four-game sweep of the Charlotte Bobcats in the first round of the 2014 NBA playoffs, Miami Heat players and coaches seemed to have trouble recalling just who it was they defeated in the first round.

“Oh yeah they’re always tough, you know, th-the guys on that team,” said LeBron James, addressing reporters at the Heat practice facility in Miami. “’Always be careful playing uh, the team in the blue jerseys’ is what they say. That team can take you by surprise if you come in expecting an easy win.” When asked about his performance in the series, including an average of 30 points per game, James seemed surprised. “30? Did I? Huh, that’s not bad. I guess it motivated me, when that uh, guy with the long hair, was it McMaster?” James said, likely referring to Bobcats Forward-Center Josh McRoberts, “When he fouled me in game 4, no wait, game 2, yeah. That really lit a fire under me.”

“Every time we play in… play up there, their home fans are into it. They’ve pushed their guys to some big playoff wins, so we had to contend with that.” said Heat Guard Dwyane Wade, referring to a Charlotte, NC fanbase that has never witnessed a Bobcats playoff win. “Our shots were just falling, and we were just doing the same things I’m sure we did when we, um, played them in the regular season,” continued Wade, appearing to look at something that was very far away. When asked about how he prepared for the Bobcats personnel, such as point guard Kemba Walker, Wade seemed to grow annoyed. “Who? Oh, Kemba Walker. Ah you know how it is man, we watched those guys, Kid Dunkirk, No… Kidd-Gilchrist. And, uh, Kimba Walker. We watched film on them going back five seasons.”

“It’s always a chess match when you are playing against coach Clem-, uh, a coach like that. He really runs a lot of ingenious plays to bring is guys across screens, and uh, cut them through the lane,” said Heat head coach Erik Spoelstra. “There were a lot of times we had to make adjustments, like when they kept getting Kid Gilmore, uh, their ace shooter who was making all those three pointers. We had to shut that down, so um, that’s when I decided we’d go full-court press.”

When asked about his first experience with postseason play, Charlotte Bobcats guard Gerald Henderson revealed mixed feelings. “At first it felt like a dream, you know. The bright lights, the roaring crowd. But that wore off after game 2, and we realized we were getting crushed by the Heat and that we couldn’t do anything about it.” The 26-year old then paused and sighed heavily before continuing. “Now, I just feel upset and disappointed, and like, humiliated. If I could, I’d just forget the whole series ever happened.”

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