Donetsk Falls Silent as News of Miley Cyrus’ Illness Reaches Separatists
DONETSK, UKRAINE, The long-running confrontation between proponents of the new Ukrainian government and pro-Russian separatists quickly was quickly put on hiatus yesterday, when word of American pop singer Miley Cyrus’ illness reached the area. Cyrus was forced to postpone a number of stops on her Bangerz tour, aftersuffering an “extreme allergic reaction” to the antibiotic Cephalaxin. She was admitted to a hospital on April 15th, where she spent at least a week recovering.
The news seems to have hit the residents of Donetsk hard. The Russian flags hanging from the windows of the Donetsk Regional State Administration Building – partially held since April 6th by the self-styled Donetsk People’s Republic – have been scrawled with messages including “Bangerz Forever” and “Get Well Miley!”
“Sometimes you get swept up in the events around you, and you forget about the truly important things,” said Anton Marchenko, a supporter of the Kiev government who has been watching the standoff at the Administration Building from a distance. “We have become so wrapped up in our little drama that we have overlooked the more important thing,” he continued, “which is the blossoming of Miley Cyrus from an adorable child star to a confident, full-fledged diva.”
Indeed the grave tidings have awakened some hope of reconciliation in the region. “Yesterday I joined the Ukrainians in front of the building, and we lit candles for Miley,” Said Yevgeni Nozoborov, a separatist who has been part of the occupying force for two weeks. “We held hands and sang ‘Wrecking Ball’ together. With Miley’s spirit there among us, we realized that we are not so different after all.”
F-35 Airstrike on LeBron James Upgraded to Flagrant 2
Bobcats’ Henderson fined $20,000
After an official review of in-game footage from the game 4 contest between the Miami Heat and Charlotte Bobcats, the NBA has upgraded an F-35 Lightning II airstrike delivered on LeBron James to a Flagrant 2. The airstrike took place in the 4th quarter, with the Heat in control and well on their way to a 4-game sweep of the Bobcats.
James expressed ambivalence in a Tuesday interview at the Miami Heat practice facility. “You know, I’ve been dealing with it all season. A lot of guys have been taking swings at me, coming at me with elbows, coming at me while I’m in the air, hitting me in the head,” said James, touching a small bandage on his right cheek. “But now if guys are gonna start calling in airstrikes, I don’t know if a flagrant foul – you know, no matter what number they give it – I don’t know if that’s enough. I think we need to start talking about suspensions.”
Video of the incident shows LeBron receiving an outlet pass from Dwyane Wade after a Miami steal. James dribbles with a clear path toward the Bobcats basket. As he prepares to jump for a dunk or layup, a powerful blast occurs, rocking the Time Warner Cable Arena and shrouding the Bobcats’ half of the court in a cloud of dust. When the footage is viewed in slow motion, a dark cylinder can be seen falling from above the frame and into the immediate vicinity of James. The distinctive roar of the next generation F-35 aircraft can also be heard on the tape. After the dust and smoke clear, James can be seen lying dazed on the court for at least a minute as teammates gather around him. Other camera angles of the incident show Bobcats guard Gerald Henderson breaking away from the play immediately after the steal, and speaking forcefully into a black, towel draped object near the Bobcats bench.
James made one of two free throws after the play, which was called a Flagrant 1 foul by referees on the court.
“You know, I’m really curious about what [Bobcats head coach Steve] Clifford has been saying to his guys,” said Heat coach Erik Spoelstra, in a separate interview in Miami. “I saw the video, and it looked like he was holding the radio, or whatever it was, for Henderson. I know they don’t LeBron getting the big dunks for morale reasons, but if that 500-pound bomb had hit him a little higher up, he could have been seriously hurt.”
“I’m important to my team, and [the Bobcats] know that,” said James. “If this was the 80’s, I might have got up with a bazooka or a grenade launcher, but with the game called the way it is today, I know I’ve gotta keep my cool if I’m gonna help us get to the championship.”
When asked about the incident in Charlotte on Tuesday, Henderson was dismissive. “Yeah, they can fine me or whatever, but it’s not really as bad as it looks in the replay. Sure I hit him with the equivalent of over 200 pounds of TNT, but if you watch closely, he’s flailing his arms and selling the shockwave even before the initial detonation. To be honest, I think he was flopping.”